Here’s to Uncle Mark

Tags

blog, phishing, plans, resignation, scam, spam

Friends, family, internet strangers: I am truly in a state of disbelief.

I hereby announce my retirement.

No doubt if you know me, this will take you by surprise, given my age and the significant role that my work has heretofore played in my life. Believe me, this was not part of my plan for 2012, but fortune has smiled on me on this day. A brilliant opportunity is now unfolding before me, and I believe I would be crazy not to pursue it.

Last night I received an email from Mr. Timothy Reynolds, Esquire, an attorney practicing in the U.K. Mr. Reynolds represents my late uncle Mark, who died along with his entire immediate family in a car crash in April 2002.

Now, I must be honest: Uncle Mark and I were not close. Until now I was unaware, and yet not entirely surprised to hear that he had passed away. I have not received so much as a Christmas card from him in over thirty years. So what I am feeling at this moment can not exactly be described as grief – it is more of a sobering realization that my family – my bloodline – has lost one of its own.

Although I realize it is gauche to discuss such matters, I will confess that there is a silver lining to the passing of dear Uncle Mark. As his next of kin I have been named the sole beneficiary of his estate, which is valued at £3.8 million British pounds. With Mr. Reynolds’s assistance I shall go about the process of claiming my inheritance on Tuesday morning! (Actually, I wonder if I can contact him on Monday. Do the Brits celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. day?)

I realize that with wealth come untold complications. The one that concerns me most is my family dynamic which will surely suffer, at least initially, from my newfound fortune. It is not entirely clear why Uncle Mark chose me as his sole beneficiary, neglecting the rest of our extended kin.  It will likely put a strain on the American branch of our family tree, but perhaps if I buy everyone some nice, tasteful gifts they will set aside any envious feelings. Do you think iPod touches would make for a suitable presentation?

While I am asking for the advice of my readers, I am hoping that someone can fill me in on common practice, as I have not had much experience with the legal profession. Is it appropriate to tip attorneys? Mr. Reynolds has clearly put a great deal of work into this case. I received his email at 10:12 last night which, if I am not mistaken, is just past 3 am in the U.K. I am, quite simply, moved by his commitment and would like to offer him some small reward for his tireless efforts on behalf of my dear departed Uncle Mark. (What’s more, when I Google searched his phone number I discovered that Mr. Reynolds has in fact made a career out of fulfilling the final wishes of men who, like my uncle, have lost contact with their next of kin. What a dear, dear man he is.)

It is truly a stroke of good luck that Mr. Reynolds was able to locate me, as the email address that he used is one that I rarely check these days. I use it primarily for junk mail and do not correspond with it. I am not in the habit of listing it along with my real name – except on my WordPress.com profile – so I must presume that after all these years of searching, Mr. Reynolds finally located me through this very blog.

So wish me well, dear readers, as I embark on this next phase of my life. After putting my own affairs in order I am going to purchase a pied-à-terre somewhere in the south of France – nothing too fancy; I assure you that money will not change my values, although an ocean view would be nice.

It’s true what they say, kids … you really can make money blogging.

A Whole Retort

Tags

news, resignation, snark, whole foods

Dear Disgruntled Former Whole Foods Employee,

I read with great interest the open letter of resignation that has prompted your fifteen minutes of internet fame. I sympathize with your position. It’s demoralizing to find that your place of employment fails to live up to its attractive façade.

I occasionally shop at Whole Foods myself. It isn’t my primary source for groceries – it’s not the most convenient store for me to get to, and some of its products are rather pricey for my needs. But it is one of few places that offer dairy and produce grown in Massachusetts when the farmers markets aren’t in season, and that’s important to me. The people who ring up my order appear, for the most part, friendly and relaxed. They must be laboring pretty intensely to suppress their seething rage. Or perhaps they’re just keeping it under control by liberal consumption of organic herbal tea and Bach’s Flower Essences.

I knew I was going to like you when you opened with my favorite quote from British statesman and orator Edmund Burke. It is true that when good men do nothing, evil will prevail. So I can only assume that you did everything you could during your five or six years of employment to counteract the systemic flaws in the Whole Foods machine. Since these matters are of great importance to you, you must have done plenty of market research to find out how Whole Foods can better align itself with the other grocery chains who are recycling, conserving energy, and buying locally-produced foods. I’m sorry that your findings fell on deaf ears.

I notice that values are important to you, and that you hold in disdain those who fail to act in accordance with their purported principles. You’ve probably given a lot of thought to your own values with regards to your employment and your community.  I am curious to know which of your values led you to the conclusion that publicly castigating your colleagues was a good idea. Was it “caring about your community?”  Or perhaps it was “supporting team member happiness and excellence.” I’m sure you had a good reason to say the things you said. I imagine you feel much better now that you’ve said them.

Finally, I wonder what you are doing with your time these days. I hope you have found a new place of employment that is in harmony with your values, your sleep schedule, and your access to transportation. I hope you are now gainfully employed at a company that eschews all that needless advertising, powers all of its stores with solar panels, and gives out iPods (locally-sourced, of course) as holiday gifts. I assume that for passionate, principled people like yourself, jobs like this are not too difficult to come by these days.

Yours in solidarity,

Amanda

P.S. If I may, I’d like to offer just one piece of constructive criticism on your missive:  I recommend that when you write a scathing open letter to your next former employer you proofread. It won’t take much of your time; there are actually some Windows 95-era tools that will do it for you.